True feelings of a sociopath
by desimarf
Summary: An AU of Sherlock where he writes a letter to explain to John why he faked his death.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfic .

English is not my first language and I hope you will give me your most sincere reviews.

I don't know if this idea was used by someone else, I hope not.

Thank you!

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own BBC Sherlock.

John

How are you doing?

I hope that Mycroft told you that I'm alive before you read this letter.

I know you probably ask yourself why I did this, why I had to make you believe that I would kill myself. I would try in this letter to explain why I had to take this decision. Before I meet you I didn't know what it means to have a friend. You are my first true friend. I will speak about myself a little before I start to explain why I did this.

When I was little, my brother taught me to control my feelings. To not show what I really feel in front of people. When I think now about his methods, I think that I can understand a bit more. He is my big brother, and that's why he had to teach me how to survive in this cruel world. Many times he was called by the school's Director because one of my colleagues said that I am a freak, only because I am much smarter than him. You know, when Donovan and Anderson said these things about me I didn't care because they were never been my friends, but in the beginning I tried to be polite with them. To be honest I have tried in the past , in my own way, to be polite with every people that I met.

But this is not about them, John, you know I don't like to speak about them, but they made me realize why I behave like that in front of people that I consider stupid. I know I told you before that I don't like stupid people, this is not true. I don't like people that behave as if they know everything, when in fact they only know to judge. When I'm working I am very strict because my mind works different then you ordinary people. And when I say ordinary people I don't mean it as an insult, or that I want to be superior to you.

I don't even know why I spoke about myself in this letter. These are my secret thoughts,it seems that I feel lonely, away from home, and I begin to change. And this change I owe it to you, my best friend. But enough talking about me . Now I want to know about you, how is your life? I hope you met a special woman how you always wanted. I asked Mycroft to tell me about you, but he didn't want because he thought that I would want to return home. John, I was there when you spoke at my false tomb.

I want to thank you for your beautiful words, that you wanted it to believe in me even if the all world was against me. Moriarty managed to convince them that I was a fraud, but you my friend, you believed in me. Now Moriarty is dead, I've beat him, and I'm glad that I can finally say that this nightmare is over. Molly Hooper is the one that helped me beside my brother, and she became a very good friend to me. I will thank her for all she did for me.

I hope you don't hate her because she didn't tell you about me. I made her do this, and she accepted to help me because you know how she is, right, John? She would do everything to protect her friends, even lie to them, if it means they can be safe from danger. If you can forgive me John, I hope you can be my best friend again, because I miss you.

2 years ago when you saw me on the roof with Moriarty, you didn't know that he had ordered to shoot you, and Lestrade if I didn't jump. I know you probably think that what I say now is an excuse, because I should have to tell you about my plan right away after that . But John you must know, that you and our friends were in danger. I had to make my death to look real because I couldn't risk your lives.

This is my last week away from home, and I will never regret what I did to save you, Inspector Lestrade and Ms Hudson, in especially for you, my best friend. My mission to destroy those who were working for Moriarty it wasn't easy but it was worth it.

I hope to see you soon!

Sherlock


	2. Chapter 2

Sherlock,

How do you think am I? Don't make me start speaking about how much I wanted to punch you in the face!

I didn't found out about you being alive from Mycroft. You have no idea how I reacted when I opened the letter. Maybe he wanted to tell me about you, but I didn't wanted to speak with him. In the beginning I believed that this letter was some kind of joke from people who hate you. I was so close to throw it away. I was very lucky that Mycroft arrived in time to stop me to make a big mistake that I would have surely regretted it. I stopped Mycroft when he started speaking about you. I heard at first only about your fake death. I was so angry and upset. Many bad memories had flashed in my mind in that moment. He barely convinced me to listen to him.

After that, Mycroft told me about what happened I had to calm down. Because I found out that you had to do this for me and our friends. Sherlock, I don't think I can thank you enough for what you did for me. So, you don't have to ask me if I want to be your best friend. You always had been my best friend.

I'm so glad you spoke about yourself; I always wanted to hear more about you, about your life before I met you. I don't know if your brother taught you well, but when I think about my sister I know that I haven't done enough to protect her. But, Sherlock, I see what kind of person you are so I can say that Mycroft did a good job even if I don't like his methods of teaching. I could see the real you even if you tried to hide from me.

I never liked Donovan from the moment she told me some words about you. She only said bad thinks about you and I didn't know what to think because I just met you that day. With time I saw that she really doesn't like you. I think she said these words to every person in your life because she was jealous of your intelligence.

But if I remember right, you said that she is an old friend when I've got acquainted with her. Then why she behaves like that with you? Maybe because she is a police sergeant under DI Greg Lestrade she is jealous of you? She thinks that you are trying to steal her spot in Scotland Yard.

You said you don't like people that judge others without thinking. Of course, I think the same way.

After I came back from the army I felt so lonely and helpless. Because of my injury it was very hard for me to find a job as a doctor. I didn't had any friends and with my sister I couldn't have a properly talk because she was drunk most of the time. And I started to have suicide thoughts.

That's why two years ago when I saw you on the roof close to jump I felt guilty. I was thinking that it's my fault because I didn't see how bad you were. After you jumped, I saw you on the ground, full of blood… and your eyes looked so empty of life. It was a very frightening experience because I couldn't do anything to save you.

I think I was in shock. When the ambulance came I didn't want to leave you. I was screaming that I am doctor and that I could save you if they will let me. I remember that it started raining, so the people present there at the scene couldn't see that I was crying, but in that moment I couldn't care less about that.

Then Mycroft came and, Sherlock, I could see on his face that he was sad. He showed how much he loves you there at the morgue, when he saw you dead. That's why I would like to see you trying to get along better with your brother. I'm sorry if you think that is not my business, but I had to say this. I know how it feels to have a bad relationship with a member of the family, because of my sister, Harry.

Another bad experience was when I went home and saw all your things, in specially your skull on the wall and your precious violin. The violin became to me something very special. After I moved with you it was nice to hear you singing every night before I fall asleep. At your funeral were present very few people but it didn't matter because this people were the ones who really mattered, who really loved you, this is what I thought in that sad moment. This is why now I think that you had the opportunity to see who really cares about you.

Mrs. Hudson said so many beautiful things about many others wonderful words that she said I remember those:" Sherlock was like a son to me, I loved him very much and I will miss him all my life. He was a man who would do anything for his friends and his family. I know that many people will say that what I'm saying is not true. That he was a selfish man, who didn't care about other people. That he was only interested in his work. I can tell you that behind his mask he was a beautiful man inside and out."

Your brother didn't spoke but he stayed till the end of the burial. I could tell that all the participants to the funeral could see how much Mycroft would miss you. And I don't know when he found out about you being alive, but I'm glad you told him.

Greg Lestrade didn't stay long because he was called to go to work in the middle of the funeral. But he managed to say a few words like:" I met him five years ago, at first I saw in him just a junkie who had no future. After I've known him better I started to wish to help him to find a way in life, to get rid of that terrible life. I have noticed how smart he was and after some time I offered him an opportunity to change his life. I was the one who proposed him to help the police to solve cases. That's why when I'm thinking now about how I doubted him I feel very guilty, because I was the first person who saw that he is a genius, who could see every detail about a person only by observing them. He always called me Lestrade and not Greg. Even now I don't know if he did it because he forgot my name. Or maybe it was his way to show his respect to me because I was the one who helped him to find crime cases to work on. But this is just something I want to believe."

Molly only said that she will miss you. After saying that she could no longer stay, she left because it was too painful. Now I can see that she left because she felt guilty to us. I am a bit hurt that you let her help you and not me. But I could never hate her for that because she is a very sweet woman, who would do everything for her friends.

I know you say that you are married to your work, but I want to know why? When Irene Adler was present in your life I could saw that you liked her. My friend, Molly loves you, if you don't see her as a woman; I will not say anything else. But if you like her and pretend you don't then I can only say that you are a stupid man and you will lose her.

You asked me if I met someone special, yes, Sherlock, I met a wonderful woman who changed my life. Her name is Mary Morstan. She appeared in my life all of a sudden when I started to think my life has no meaning anymore.

We became friends very fast. She is a person who says everything she thinks and is not afraid to say things as they are. That's why I think you would like her. I talked with her about you and she said that she would love to meet you. After a few weeks, Mary and I started going out, and we had been happy since then.

I can't wait for you to meet her. In the past you didn't like any of my former girlfriends, so this time promise me that you'll not say anything bad. She was with me so many times at your tomb, she heard so many bad rumors about you. Even if I know she didn't believe any of it, I would like for her to know the real you.

When you came back I want to know all the details. Everything you did to stop Moriarty's criminal's network. I hope you are not injured, or sick. Please, Sherlock try to eat more. I know you say that eating is slowing your thinking. But we are all humans and we have to eat to survive.

I hope I didn't bore you with my long letter.

I'm looking forward to see you again!

Your best friend, John


End file.
